An open letter to my biological father

Hello Ed,

How are you? I think if you ever saw this you would probably be a little nervous… and that’s okay. The idea of you ever knowing anything about me makes me nervous. I guess we should start with a beginning hello here. I’m Lane. I’m 19, about 5’8, and have size 11 feet. I hate running, I make an excellent shrimp linguine and I’m what my mom calls a little “hippie dippy.” I guess there’s more but honestly what do you say to the parent who walked out? I know that sounds harsh. To be honest with you though, I’m not mad. I don’t resent you leaving me. More than anything, I’m puzzled. I can’t even imagine how stressful it would be to have a child on the way- so I’m not here to judge you for that. What I really truly just cannot comprehend, is leaving my mom. I have never met anyone like her! She is selfless to a fault, and humble enough to not even know it. She is HILARIOUS without ever trying to be. She loves everyone harder and more adequately than anyone else I know… so I can’t believe she was ever left. Maybe it was because it scared you that she’s smarter than you, maybe you resented that she was too strong to beg you to stay… I don’t know. But buddy, you sure did miss you! I’m guessing you haven’t seen any pictures of her recently but she’s a babe! More than that, I would be willing to bet that there isn’t a day that goes by that she doesn’t cross your mind at least once. I wouldn’t blame you at all if you missed her sometimes. Even though we’re close, I miss her sometimes. I don’t know about you but when I see giraffes, or smell Tide or see anything periwinkle, I just want to snuggle up to her… even if I just saw her an hour before. She just has that effect. You made your bed though- and you do lie in it. I’m not resentful, I’m not mad. That seems strange, maybe, but it’s because actually, by giving me nothing… you gave me everything. I don’t know what life would have been like with you. I DO know what life is like with Rob though. I wish you could meet him! He’s about 5’8, curly brown hair, a big old smile and probably wearing one of his 4 favorite shirts he wears everyday. He would probably be telling some story about hiking or a recent hockey game. I’ve always heard how much I look like him! It’s even pretty true. I actually love when people say that! I don’t know if life with you could have possibly have been as fun. I sort of got an all star cast when  it came to this family. Obviously you know my mom! What you don’t know is that she’s a nurse now and she’s great at it! You don’t know how much her hair has changed, how nice she looks with navy eyeliner or how much happier her eyes look when she’s at the beach. You don’t know that she started to love hockey games or that she takes me to PBR events every year. Now my brother, Randy Cheyn… that kid is a hoot and a half. You didn’t see him grow up- but he sure grew like a weed! He’s over 6 feet tall and still has those big blue eyes. He can tell you an insane amount of facts about history and marine animals… or really anything! He also (sort of) had the patience to take me fishing and on car rides. He isn’t yours but you would love him- everyone does. Now dad, I guess Rob to you, has pretty much been the best unexpected guest. Mom didn’t know that she had found a stray that would be quite so great… who would have known? If you had stayed, I wouldn’t have gotten him. I wouldn’t have seen ballet in Boston and have wanted to dance. I wouldn’t have learned to tie shoes using soccer cleats and I wouldn’t have a tiny, crazy, wonderful little italian grandma. I probably wouldn’t have broken my arm at 5 or have such a fear of frogs- but isn’t that what creates the memories? I wouldn’t give up any of my phobias or quirks for a different dad… he is worth every one of them.  I am actually grateful to you. You gave me a half sister and she’s great. When I’m in Colorado, I always see her. I can’t tell you how hard it is to meet your long lost sister at 15 but she let me into her life and I got to meet Fallyn when she was a tiny, adorable baby! You can’t beat that. I guess I get my bad eyesight, thick thighs and height from your genetics. I probably got a lot more too and for those, I’m grateful! I’m grateful for the genes and for picking my mom. You made a really good choice by choosing her. If you do ever see this, I hope you’ll consider meeting me. I would love to get coffee and chat- with as little pressure as possible. If you don’t ever read this, at least I got to get these thoughts out. I really do wish you the absolute best.

All the best, Lane

mexico  A couple years ago in Mexico- don’t worry! He’s got this family covered.

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s